|
airgirl43
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Erica
Birthday: 4/18/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: My Goal in life....
"As I stumble through this life, help me to create more laughter than tears, dispense more happiness then gloom, spread more cheer then despair. Never let me become so indifferent, that I fail to see the wonder in the eyes of a child, or the twinkle in the eyes of the aged. Never let me forget that my total effort is to cheer people, make them happy, and to forget, at least momentarily, all the unhappiness in their lives. And in my final moment, may I hear you whisper, "When you made my people smile, you made me smile.".
Expertise: Making faces! Being God's girl!
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/2/2003
|
|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| I know not many people read this anymore, but for my own sake and for those of you near and dear to me, I'm going to write a bit of what has been going on in my heart.
My Bible Study and I have been doing Captivating, but beyond that we've been reaching into our souls, pulling out all the junk and goopy stuff and laying it flat out on the table. There has been one theme that we've been dealing with... the lie we're told over and over again "I'm too much" or "I'm not enough". We're emotional, and yet so often we're told that we're too emotional and it's not allowed. But then we get too unemotional and we're not enough... or we're not smart enough or pretty enough... those whispers the devil places in each of our ears that make us feel so unworthy.
I know I've dealt with them all my life, as has each women I will ever encounter. This week we had a challenge. We talkd about the vows we made to ourselves, and we're asking God to change them. My vow was the "I'm not going to cry or show emotion"... so where did this start?
Long ago as a child I would get yelled at or even physically hit some times and then be told "you're not hurt don't cry..." "you're selfish" "you can never do anything right" "you're worthless around here" "you're not skinny enough, blonde enough, tan enough..." and the list goes on. I wish I could say now that I'm almost 21 that those things still didn't resonate in my head, but they do day in and day out. I vowed to myself a long time ago that I would never cry. On one hand I can count the amount of times I've cried since my freshman year of high scool, that's 7 years. You know that scene in "The Holiday" where Cameron Diaz is sititng there fanning her face saying "cry, jsut one tear, pleeease just one tear, come on!" That's me. I wish I could say it's something I still don't embrace, but I do. It's a protection thing that I just can't seem to let go. Because once those tears come, baby they aren't stopping.
So why do I desire so much to be a women, but desire so much to not have the most beautiful assets of a women? The complexity.. I know I'm complex. I know my life is dramatic and always has something going on. My boss last year made me well aware of this. Every time he would see me he'd ask what new drama was going on in Erica's life... and yes, I always had a story for him. Why am I so afraid? Because some where I long the lines I started believing that when I was complex, everyone would leave me and no one would stick around. In order to work my stuff out I have to talk, and a lot. A lot of times it makes sense to no one but me, but I still have to blab and people would get irritated with my blabbing I felt so a lot of times I would just stop talking.
Now I'm learning that that's hindered so many things. And while part of me wants to yell at myself, get angry at myself and just beat myself up over it, that's going to do me no good. It's time to let God heal me and for me to let the lies out that I keep. So as I begin to step into osme pretty scary, but exciting new things (and old new things), it's time to let myself be a women of God. One that allows my strongest assets of a women stand out. And know that it's ok to be complex and complicated, that's the way the Lord made to me, and in that I am beautiful.
| | |
| Well, God's kicking me in the butt as normal  Lots of things I need to learn and just step out of the boat for.
I'm extremely exhausted from some virus I got last week. I got so sick that I felt like I was going to pass out and couldn't feel my arms so I called 911 to see if I needed to go to the hospital. They ended up sending an ambulance out and my blood pressure was 98/60 and they told me I was 2 quarts low on blood. It was not a fun experience an dI'm still extremely tired from it. He is faithful though and will carry me through.
Florida soon I'm ecstatic! As for now... sleep is good 
| | |
| there's a good chance that some huge changes are occuring in my life soon... please pray I let God guide me to where He desires for me to be in this
it's time to trust the Lord fully...
| | |
| When I'm at the end of me... and I come to Jesus, laying at His feet... there is no sweeter place to be....
This past week has ben an emotional roller coaster... I can't even put into words all that God was helping me deal with... but in the end, it is amazing. I'm so thankful for a God who is so merciful... who loves me so much to work my schedule out that I could be an emotional wreck and have so much time to deal with it.
He is amazing...
"He has made everything beautiful in His time..."
Ecc. 3:11
| | |
|
